asc time table

I think my entire life I have done the same thing and I canapos;t help it. Making goals, projections, and counting down to things is all I ever do. Like Iapos;m sitting here at 2am before I go to bed wasting time on my weekend at home thinking about how I donapos;t want Monday to come. I love how I spend my free time being sad that it is finite instead of just enjoying it fully.

I sit here now saying to myself, "30 days of 5am wake ups left." I will sit for an hour even and just think of all the shit I have to go through in the next 5 weeks to get to Thanksgiving Vacation. I always have a goal of time that Iapos;m working towards. Depending on the month it could be anything. Once Thanksgiving is over my next target is X-mas break. After X-mas break my target is graduation, and then finding a job. Amongst my larger targets I have a ton of smaller targets like getting from weekend to weekend. I have all of these goals, all of these things I am striving to get to but I never savor the journey to them. I feel like I waste a lot of life thinking about the future. I probably have never lived in the here and now. I donapos;t give a fucking shit about the present most of the time unless itapos;s within my target.

And I build up my targets in my mind as somewhat Utopian. Will Thanksgiving break be much more than being mostly bored at home? Probably not, but I build it up so much that it makes the weeks leading up to it seem like a miserable hell. Maybe if I didnapos;t have such lofty thoughts for my targets I wouldnapos;t seem to hate the times in between so much. I never appreciate the journey to anything. Even little shit Iapos;m always thinking forward to. My 2.5 hour drives to and from State College are annoyances to me. I just want to be one place or the other, I never really enjoy the drive. I want to accomplish my goal, and thereapos;s always 20 more goals to follow. Iapos;m never satisfied or complacent with things.

Iapos;m weird, and thatapos;s all I really had to say.

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